Well, it's been quite a day!

Mandy Ingber said, "No matter what twists and turns your life offers you, your ability to be adaptable and flexible will help you to stay open to all the hidden gifts that difficulty may offer."

I was tested today. I went to my first thesis supervision session knowing where I was going. I've been working at it for months, gradually defining my way forward, working out my positionally in relation to my question, researching methodology and methods that fit my research philosophy and represents me as a practitioner. Although I was nervous, I was excited to share my thoughts, ideas and progress so far. Approximately forty minutes into the conversation, after the twists and turns that the conversation took as I introduced my topic (because I didn't get any further than that!), I determine to take a completely different trajectory. Back to the drawing board to all intent and purpose. Yet, at the same time, I feel supported, seen and valued by my new supervisory team.

Now, reflecting on my day, my dominant thought is, "What the hell happened there then?" It's a question that's been there all day. That I've been trying to bracket and sometimes not managing to. It's a good question to myself, I think.
Ironically, I'm sometimes seen as rigid in my thinking - typical of the perception of an autistic person. If this is the case, how and why was I so willing to move to a completely different question with a different focus? Is that adaptability? Or is it indecisiveness playing out with an undertone of people pleasing? I know when I get an idea in my head, I can be like a proverbial dog with a bone.  Words of guidance from those who have gone before include reminders that, "This is your thesis." I do know that. And I thought I had it nailed down. Apparently not anywhere close to be nailed down. So perhaps I wasn't as passionate and focused on that thesis idea as I thought I was. Okay ... but what if it happens again?  What if next time we meet, I go through the same process?

Ingber quote also refers to the hidden gift. In this situation, the hidden gift is permission. The metaphor that comes to mind is of a tent being untethered of its pegs in a rainy downpour. (I don't really like this metaphor as it sounds dramatic, but it is the one that is coming to mind.) As an ex-camper, having spent many a stay over in a wet tent in rainy weather, I can continue the metaphor. The choices are usually,  to stay and see it through even though everything is getting wetter and a wee bit smelly from the mud ... or move the tent to higher ground before getting washed away ... or pack up and go home. (In our family, we take pride in not going home just because of 'a bit of rain', pretending that we don't mind any added misery because it's character building. It doesn't take a psychoanalyst to join those dots does it?!)

My supervisors were inviting me to be brave, to research what really interests me even if it makes for an uncomfortable topic. The permission was to let go of constraints I was putting on myself because of misunderstanding and taking a guidance note too literally (another of my ND traits). I can see that I made a decision to move my tent. (This reminds me of that dated management book, Who Moved My Cheese? (Spencer Johnson, 1998) which examines the ways in which people respond to change.)

I also got permission - a permission that I didn't know I needed - to consider the tangible end goal. It's something that I hadn't realised I was resisting doing, but as soon as a light was shone over it, I recognised a commonly-applied strategy that I employ for peacekeeping: to hold myself back, to be obedient, polite and not 'too much'.

So, adaptability and permission is an interesting combination for me, it turns out. I am realising it's where I keep uncovering introjects I have collected in a life full of contradiction. It's the place that keeps me asking, "Why?" and "Who says?" as though I might uncover an answer that gives me a different type of autonomy - whatever that means! Holding the space of both adaptability and permission-seeking brings out little girl, rebel, angry, rejected, brave warrior and controlling parts, all in unison and in conflict. Further, I can feel their wrestle to take the lead in the role of the Self-like part, at times. It's interesting how we can view ourselves sometimes, isn't it?

Still on the subject of hidden gifts, another hidden is LBR. So many things are of interest to me, often it is a fleeting shiny thing so I don't think I fully benefit from (what I view as) the 'traditional'  Mastermind (BBC television)-level of attention to special interest. I'm maybe more of a squirrel than a magpie! Foraging nuts and saving them for later, coming back to check on them every now and again to see whether they've moved or have been moved. L is incredibly skilful at showing the mirror back to the projector, and she reflected me back to me, reminding me of what I put to the mirror most often. Which makes for two revolutionary 40-minute conversations on the same day. Wow.

So in conclusion, I can agree with Mandy Ingber - adaptability and flexibility can bring hidden gifts and they certainly have done for me, today.