11. Learning to take up space.

Some time ago, I spoke about this with one of my  'cheerleaders'.

Me: "I don't want to put my head above the parapet."
Them: "Well, you're going to have to."

It really was stated as simply as that. And in that moment, because of what that person means to me, I believed them and began preparations to accept my fate.

The next stage of my studies is to write an article for publication. It's not that we have to publish. It's just about writing as if we were. I've spent two years knowing that this was coming. The more research reading I have done over the past few years, the more respect I have for these professionals putting their ideas out there to the world. Also, as I feel I understand the research processes a little better, the more I come to understand what type of researcher I want to be: curious, insightful, respectful, courageous, a communicator of stories. Even so, when I think about taking those next steps, I often have to talk myself down from whatever danger I imagine for myself at that moment.

So, I am wondering what it is about daring to take up space that is so unnerving? Honestly, I used to be much, much worse. But it's not entirely gone yet either. So, is it a version of imposter syndrome? Is it a deeper self-esteem problem? Is it the hangover of life scripts about "not getting too big for my boots", "not being cocky" or "not making waves"? (Wow, did you notice how many 'nots' came up there?) Could be all of these because they all resonate to some degree. It could also be something different or additional because none of them completely name it either. I don't like any of those responses though, and I certainly don't want to fulfil any of them as prophesies.

So what if I want to 'play it safe'? So what if I don't want to feel exposed? So what if I'm worried that others might disagree or have a different perspective? Because I also want to be present, with a voice of my own and as a representative of others who also deserve their voices to be heard.

And now I can 'hear' my cheerleader friend - alongside a chorus of other no-nonsense people in my life - telling me, "You can't have the best of both worlds this time," and asking, "what are you going to do?" Maybe this is one of those times where it's just a case of taking a deep breath, dive in and try to enjoy the water because it might be lovely...