How quickly things can change. Before Christmas, I was drowning. I was 'dropping plates' all over the place and I had to temporarily shelve my research to create some space. This absolutely does not fit in with the deal that I made with myself. Then, for the first time ever, I accepted that I might have to completely miss a deadline. I don't think I have ever even asked for an extension before! Yet, surprisingly, I was okay with it and booked a tutorial for early in the new year to find out what the protocol is.

Accepting that was part of me recognising my absolute exhaustion.Admitting exhaustion feels, on some level, like failing. Like most people, this is uncomfortable and it made me wonder whether it not to publish this, but I wanted to use this as a platform to capture my Prof Doc journey. I wanted it to be honest and, for some reason, public. It's an act of self-disclosure that I know others do and it's thanks to them that I know this experience will not be a smooth ride and to not expect one. What is different to the bloggers I have read/listened to* is that I am in my fifties, recently late-diagnosed autistic (which is helping me make sense of so many things) and perimenopausal which brings brain fog and so many challenges that I hadn't previously expected. I didn't do particularly well at school and don't see myself as an academic. I also have people pleasing tendencies that make it difficult for me to prioritise my goals over other people's agendas and have internal arguments with myself about this Every Single Day. 

As I physically and mentally crawled through mid-December, I gradually noticed my capacity come back. A quieter Christmas than normal has helped too because I have put less pressure on myself to be 'on'. And on Boxing Day, I actually wanted to pick up my research again and did, dreading to see what was there. Three days in, I am reignited. Writing while I read is definitely the most enjoyable form of research reading for me and the only reliable way for me to accurately attribute researchers' contributions in my own work. It's a tip I received during my Masters degree and I hope to find a way to harness it more efficiently over the next 6 months of Prof Doc submissions before I start the thesis process proper.

Although I am not crawling through my days now, my exhaustion has not yet passed. I am sleeping for way longer than I normally need to. My capacity for multitasking is minimal. My decision making is slow. My social stamina is on its lower end. I know these are also signs of low mental health and without the self-awareness I have gained over time, I can easily see how I might have missed the reminders to pay attention. Even though I have navigated (or am navigating?) this quite well, there is a lesson to be learned from my September-December 2023 stint.  

*I have no idea if my writing and publishing this will be helpful to anyone else. I'm okay with that whilst hoping that it might be. These little acts of writing, though, are helping me because they are making me stop, think and take stock.