The weeks are rolling around quickly at the moment. Christmas trees are going up (already) and Christmas lights are on in town. I know these things are happening because of the, what feels like, momentary glimpses of 'normal' life.

I read and joined in on a LinkedIn post this week about how to find balance as an adult learner who is working and studying. I'll be blowed If I know! In 25 years of working full time and studying, I know I haven't found out. That wasn't my response. I must have come across it on a day where I was able to be compassionate with myself because my answer was along the lines of 'life happens, you're doing your best, be kind to yourself.' I do stand by the comment but it's not the whole truth. The other bit, the bit that I didn't say, is that I recognise I am driven by guilt. From conversations with other adult students over the years, I know I'm not the only one. It seems an ability for tunnel vision and deferred reward is mandatory. The support and understanding of friends and family who accept that you 'just need to do this' is a blessing. The reminders that there are other things going on too, essential.

On a side note, part of me wants to ask others about how menopause affects the balance too. I know it's affecting lots of things for me. I need more sleep - solid sleep. I have a poorer ability to retain information which makes citations twice as difficult - the sheer incapability of recalling who said what would be funny if it wasn't so frustrating. And I have a lethargy that comes over me sometimes, that I can't ignore or work through. Menopause certainly adds an additional challenge to be aware of amidst everything else. A benefit of the HRT though is that I don't experience the anxious symptoms for any of it. "Is that a good thing?" I can hear my therapist-self ask quietly. I don't know. I'm bloody grateful for it though! The anxiety symptoms of menopause can be horrid. But I recognise in dulling one emotion, I am dulling others too.

This post feels heavy. It's real and honest, but heavy. But I don't want to end the post that way because learning at this time of life is not just arduous. I can't imagine not studying. I am a late bloomer in educational terms. Studying as an adult is very different to studying when I was younger, especially having not done so well at school and college. I can truly enjoy what opens up in front of me when I am studying and researching, mapping others perspectives and experiences against my own, at a time of my life When I know myself better than I ever have before. When I find a piece of writing that captures me, I can feel joyous, lost in something in me and bigger than me. I can spend time reflecting on it's meaning, ellanguishing in the complexity and the possible implications. All that makes it sound like a religion of sorts. But, I can go with that. Some people go to church. Some go to the gym. I go to this. I still want Christmas though.