Sometimes I question whether there is a widespread addiction to drama. The drama triangle (Karpman) is an aspect of psychotherapeutic theory that I often mentally refer to. Closely related is my fascination with the games people play (Berne) to re-enact the drama triangles and to 'entice' others into them. All this is usually a subconscious process. And we don't just do this with other people. For example, I am doing it with my research topic. 

Let me explain.

In my research question, I have noticed I am often positioning myself as the attacked (Victim in Karpman's original language). When I do this, I am making the subject of my research topic the persecutor. The institutions have no awareness of this, so who is victimising me here? I am! It is my construct! As a tool this is both helpful and unhelpful: I use it to keep the energy to be engaged but it keeps me in a hyperaroused state which is not healthily sustainable. Through research, I am hoping - or expecting? - that I will find a way to rescue (Karpman's language) myself, thereby overcoming my discomfort of feeling* attacked. (*Note the use of the word feeling - not being - attacked.)  

And what games do I play to keep re-enacting this tiring process? In 'attacked' (victim) position, I try to enlist others to my way of thinking, get them to see my point of view, turn it into an 'us problem' not a 'me problem'. However, when I am doing this, I am not rescuing myself or anyone else for that matter. There is no recovery in this pattern of thinking. No empowerment. (See David Emerald.) 

How am I resolving this?

Cue time lapse music 🎶 🎶 🎶 because a few years ago, I attended an experiential training day where Robin Shohet was the keynote facilitator (2019). I took several things away, including: 

1. ‌Utter embarrassment at my surprise fan-girling!
2. That sometimes anger can be embodied as tiredness.
3. That I can choose to see that "everything comes from a place of love or fear" (Shohet, 2019).

So what? Well, I am recognising #2 in my game with myself. Anger is exciting and scary but, as I have already said, hyperarousal cannot be sustained. Plus, for me, quite often results in a slump. Also, experience has taught me that I feel better when I choose to see the world through a choice between love and fear (3). Others tell me that they can hear my passion for my topic. Great, but when is that passion coming from a place of love or fear? Can it occupy both spaces at the same time? Phenomenologically, the two positions feel entirely different. Either way, I have a choice about how I view my research topic, but I keep being enticed into an unhealthy 'attack or be attacked' way of thinking. 

I am finding my way through. By adapting Shohet's earlier words of wisdom to 'everything comes from a place of love, fear or curiosity', I am managing to create a holding space outside of the drama triangle. In turn, this is allowing me to check against my usual automatic reaction and choose my response. There is some way to go before I master it by my hope for myself is that I will be driven by my love for the topic, not my fear in it. The impact is that I could change my view of 'the problem', my position within it and my approach to achieving my desired outcome. That feels good. And in the meantime, it's interesting to notice the games I am playing with myself to get my fix of drama!